When I grow up...

I want to be..

a doctor!

an engineer!

a pilot!

a policeman!

That was before...like ages ago. But how come as adulthood dawn upon us, we are no longer excited about the unimaginable possibilities that lay ahead of us? Is it because we no longer posses the eagerness to go out and explore the uncertainties, or is it because we are contented being wrapped in the safe cocoon that promises a linear life, or is it because we are entangled in the stereotype system, of which deviations will cause no success in the predetermined societal hierarchy?

Why oh why, are we not as excited as the preschoolers when asked of what we want to be, what we want to do once we get rid of this educational phase? Do we not have ample choices laid ahead of us? Wait, let me rephrase that, or could it be that we do not have that many interesting yet promising choices that can ensure a 'good' life? But who determines that? Who tells us which path is the easiest yet the happiest? What makes us think that this career path is favorable over the other? What drives us in making the choices in life?


So many questions, yet where are the answers?


I've spent my last 14 years in life trying to improve my education status, but for what? Who determines that in order to be happy and successful in life, a degree is a must? Plus, am I in the right degree? Is this what I've really wanted?

I remember when I was in primary school, always being a high achiever, my parents fed me with the visual of having my future career as a doctor. Naturally as a kid I didn't give a damn and go along with the fantasy. As I grew up further I start to discover what really interest me, (in terms of what we are taught in school that is, as our views as students are pretty limited at that time) that is chemistry. So I abruptly changed my ambition to chemical engineer, because that seems to be the coolest job relating to my interest thus far. But now having to see the world from various different horizons unthinkable to me before, I start to find other possibilities that I might result to.

Being here in a foreign place, meeting different people, make me realize how unnecessarily dull my life has been. I've got some american friends, who ditch uni for the whole year just to go backpacking and see the world, before returning to their studies. I've met people who do anthropology out of pure interest, not mentioning forensics, extravagant fashion design and fashion shows, music concerts, theater performances which fascinate me so much. It makes me wonder how could these people, from my generation, cashless being a poor students, have seen and done so much at the age younger than me? Why couldn't I do the same?

I went to school, go to uni, get a degree and later being enslaved in a career that I myself am not sure whether I'll be contented with. As a result, I spent half of my time here thinking, wondering whether there are other possibilities that I could end up doing for the rest of my life, instead of just being choked by the binding contract and job. It's true chemical engineer used to be my primary ambition, but having seen so much I start to wonder about the possibility to trade my current designated career path with something else that I purely love, like fashion, or culinary. The problem is with the social system that I am to deeply entangled with right now is, these non-professional, technical paths are blamed to not having an promising future to feed the family later on. True they might involve extra hard work, but true as well that I don't want to be trapped doing something that I don't like for the entire life.

I've always wanted to see the world, but I don't have time nor cash to do so. I could be a pilot, and get paid to travel. I could be a journalist, and travel to places and bring back stories. I could be a chef or baker, and indulge in my deep passion on food. I could a fashion designer, and start making clothes to my liking. Those sound really appaling, but unfortunately it's too late to think twice now, but wait is it? Is it really too late for me to recarve my life path?

The choice I have now is not too bad at all, plus with the ever more adventurous oil and field. I could be sent to sudan and live in camps, or dig the deep sea for more gas in the Arab gulf. That doesn't sound too bad at all, does it? But there's only one problem, that is this is my only available choice. No other. I know I should be grateful having my tuition fees paid and all, but what if, and what if had I have more choices to pick from?

I guess life is not all gold mines.

haih...

lamenyeee tak update blog

nak upload lagi ke taknak nak ke taknak

ok cukup dh quota bulan ni

tunggula next 3 months lagi baru bukak blog huhu

Seniority???

This was meant to be posted since the first day of Ramadhan, but other obligations which are much superior than this kept coming along the way. Hence on this one rare peaceful day I decided to write it here, now.

During this fasting month, I join a group of about 50 or so girls in forte apartment for iftar. We take turns in groups of five to cook for all of us, coincidently my turn comes only once in the whole month, so I've got nothing to complain as the meal's good and most importantly it's readily served=) Of course we chipped in for that but, this is not my point at all.

So on my first day of iftar with all the other girls, we sit in groups of 5 or 6, and for each group the meal is served in one big dulang. So basically we share our rice, lauk etc if you can imagine. (I think I should upload a picture or 2 sometime later). Ok so basically, I came in, find a group and sit down. The first greet that I received was, "akak ke?"

"tak tak"

"88 ke?"

"aah"

then we ate. It's might just me who exaggerates about this tiny winy thing, but hey its my blog therefore its my liberty to write. Anyway back to the point, I have an extreme disliking of being address as "kak" especially when the gap is only 1 or 2 years away. I mean come on the fact that you were born in 89 and I was born in 88 does not justify the need to distinguish our status with the "kak" suffix at the front. With only a year or 2 difference in age does not have any significant meaning to me. Come to workspace, you call your colleagues by their first names, unless to those who deserve such respect.

Then come to my 2nd point, for me the "kak" symbolizes the level of respect we have upon someone. So for me just being 1 year older does not neccessarily make us eligible for such status. In fact for me the one year gap does not potray any significance at all what so ever in seniority, because the gap is too small. I prefer being treated the same, because that's what we are. Treating each other like people of the same group without any distinguishing names does not make us any less respectful of them. In fact in my opinion it will just make us closer.

But that does not mean I'm totally opposed of the idea. It's just that I think the fact whether you deserve the 'status' or not does not depend on the age factor at all, instead it depends on how much you respect that person. There are some people that I willingly call them by that, simply because I think they deserve the respect, based on their wisdom (posgrad) or larger age gap (macik2) or life experience (married) etc. but definitely not because you being 1 or 2 years older than me.

I totally loathe the fact that you have to be called by that because they are born a few months later. That is why I personally feel those who demand to be called by that, even when the gap is so small, is so pathetic. Like, as if the seniority comes from your birthdate.

I'll be missing you-Puff Daddy

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you

What exam has done to me

I know I know
this blog has been dead for centuries

Student life has never been more demanding. They really suffocated me. No one said that 3rd year is gonna be any easier, and it is so so true. Continuous stream of assignments, strings of endless tests, abandoned tutorial sheets, reading list that keeps piling up, list goes on infinitely. Juggling life between school and and the part time job does not make things a lot easier. But then I'm not complaining, for I think I'm better managed with limited time constrains, priorities are much well defined realizing that deadlines are lying ahead and time is not much to be wasted. It works for me, the busier I get the less I procrastinate. Unless if there were some inevitable times such that the workload escalate exponentially out of control, then the world has to spin backward for a couple of minutes to get everything on track. There were difficult times but then, just live with it I guess. The living proof is here, I'm great, contended, with everything I have, for now.

Now is the time of the year where midnight lamp is burnt. EXAM!!! So don't expect any more updates soon...

Look what exam has done to us girls...not sure about the other side of homosapiens but I think they do have their own form of craving

Mind you that's not a glass of coffee, I am totally against caffeine consumption, plus my body does not tolerate that demonic artificial substance that keeps you awake eventhough your body is screaming in agony out of exhaustion. Sorry for the harsh exaggeration dear coffee lovers!

That cup is in fact filled with a divine, aromatic herbal teabag. I first time fell in love with herbal tea the day my american housemate offered me one of hers. The flavour sticks to my tongue and lingers in my mouth for minutes after consumption. The soothing aroma is undescribable. For now I am still experimenting various type of tea and experiencing their characteristic flavours. Never thought that tea can make a big difference in my drink preferences. So people, I do recommend herbal teas for you, flavour-rich, aromatic and healthy.

But apart from that red glass, the rest are just excessive supply of sugar and fat.

Last published on Dec 13th

When I though this blog was just about to subside
suddenly my fingers tapping fast on the keyboard recording my flow of minds at 3.27 am, approximately half an hour after I arrived from KL..

What a hectic week...sooooo exhausting...

I was thinking of the decency to blog at least once about my wonderful 2 and a half month of practical experience in Carigali Kertih, but then tak berkesempatan la pulak, let's just say that blogging is not my priority at the moment. Hence the post this early morning

I completed my internship last thursday, went to KL that very same night. Upon arrival continue journey to grandma's house in Sabak bernam on Friday morning, then the next day Saturday to rawang, Sunday to wangsa maju, Monday back Terengganu, the next day Tuesday here I am blogging, later in the day shop for stuffs to bring back auckland, Wednesday kemas2 baggage n bilik, thurday back to KL with family, Friday my flight back to Auckland. How's that for my one week break.

Laterla sambung cerite, itu pun if i feel like it..I'm mentally and physically deprived of sleep, nutritional food and seducing rest.

Looking ahead

It's almost the end of the year, the dawn of 2008 has almost bade us good bye...but not just yet, before the catastrophic rampage of mother earth. Allah's will outlaws the mankind's pathetic struggle to survive. This shows how vulnerable we are compared to His great power...we are nothing more than dust particles flown into the vast blue sky...

This post was meant to recap my whole year of 2008 but then it might as well turn into some melodramatic random ramblings scraped in this scrutinized digital world. Excuse my inaccurate attempt to flourish my post with bombastic adjectives as this is one of my exhausting effort to repolish the ever rusty skills that I long forgotten. I don't really have discrete points to make here, the flow just comes out as my mind speaks...

Let me just delay the whole 2008 recap thing till the next to non-existent post. While I'm still enthusiastically typing I would like to express here that I become much aware of the future that awaits me after the end of the formal academic years. For 20 years my life has always been about getting all A's to be excellent. Academic life is soooo examination oriented such that more often than not the ultimate goal for a student seems to be solely the straight A+ scores on their report cards. So typical and linear. So obvious and definite. The definition of excellence is so straight forward, which is the big fat A, making it simpler and clearer for us of what to achieve.

However real life is not about grades. Achieving excellence in your carrier is not about getting an A+ in your paycheck. Achieving excellence in life is not about getting A+ in your medical check up or A+ in being happy etc. So what is excellence in reality? How do we grade it? Do we have an absolute benchmark to measure our level of excellence? We all know the answers already..

Having only 2 years left before leaving the formal academic phase of my life makes me think a lot about the up coming future. I become much aware that I am about to enter a new different phase in my life where it's not just about getting good grades. The thoughts make me shiver in my spine, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to leave the comfort that I am in right now, the comfort of knowing what to do in order to reach excellence.

There are expectations that I am not sure of which one to meet. There are big questions on how do I live my life further on, and with who. There are financial issues to be dealt with too, how much savings should I obtain to prepare myself for the upcoming hurdles that I know not. Financially speaking perhaps the most difficult part would be to start obtaining money on my own hard works.

Then there's a family issue. My life has been taken care of by my family, but sooner or later I will be taking care of my family in turn. My family or/and my own family, that too will be faced soon enough. Next is to assume the role of parenthood. There goes the list of new unfamiliar experiences that are totally new leaves in the phases of life.

All these thinking made me realize how easy my life is as a student. My rent get paid and I am fed without having to worry for the source of income. I just do what I've been told, or do what everyone else is doing to be on the right track. And the right track is also seemed to be very simple, get all A's and you're ok. But real life is not that simple. Am I prepared to face the unexpected? I am not quite sure...